someone wonderful just told me that when a man goes to the moon he can not come right back to earth. there is a period of time between there and here where he must stop and decompress, re-acclimate, be medically tested and approved physically and mentally before he comes home.
this makes a lot of sense and has helped with my first week back on what feels like, earth. for 27 months i have been on the moon. don’t get me wrong, the moon is the coolest and most incredible place to be, but since returning, all i could do was walk in my house and collapse.
my brain is saying: “what just happened?” “did i really just play 200 shows?” “did i really just tour with one of my heros and sing with him every night?” “did i really just live with 12 people on a bus?” “did i really sign a record deal?” “did i really make an album?” “did i record a christmas ep somewhere in there too?” “did i get to see my family?” “did i really just play the hollywood bowl?” “did a little song i wrote really heal the hearts of many?” “are people choosing another song i wrote for their wedding song?” “did i really get the scariest vocal cord surgery on the planet, recover in 6 weeks and learn to sing again?” “did i really get to sing songs all over whole world?” “wasn’t i a waitress a minute ago?” “do people really believe in me?” “how do i get to do this for a living?” “did i feel anything?” “was i really there?” “did i really experience it?” “will my grandchildren ever believe me?” “is this actually all a dream?”
my brain is right to question… and it’s all okay because my heart knows the answers. what i think is happening to me is called “shock.” im pretty sure i’ve been in state of shock since 8pm on june 30th 2010. i think i have never stopped being shocked, because i don’t know how to process all the amazing i have walked into. all the epic i have swam in. all the unreal i have tasted, and all the unbelievable i am being expected to believe.
but… what do i do now? album two. i know… and then i’ll be right back up to the moon, but i have to stop and breathe. i have to try to believe. i have to feel something. i have to stop the train and ask the conductor where we are going. i have to let the magic come find me again, i can not go looking for it. i can not ask it to show up at 6pm next tuesday. it doesn’t happen that way, and it never will, and it never has for me. i look up. i open up. i breathe in. i hope. and i believe. that’s when it comes. whatever “it” is. it comes through me.
so don’t worry, that’s my plan. i just have to be okay today with not being okay today. i am uncomfortable. i forget how to make tea. i miss my bunk. i want to hide under my covers for the next 8 weeks… and i just might… i need to take care of me, whoever me is today… i need to hang out with her and find out, so i can be her for you.
cheers to the completion of the best first trip to the moon and back. cheers to the accomplishments, challenges, music, moments, tears, defeats, successes, and songs. cheers to every single human on my team, band, crew, and family. cheers to the hard work and love that surrounded me constantly. cheers to all the hearts who have connected to mine. cheers to all the people in the world who have shown up for me and my band and my music. cheers to whats ahead. cheers to genius song fairies. cheers to the music sitting in my iphone voice memos. cheers to my label and believers. cheers to my managers and heart beats. cheers to album two and everything that’s coming. cheers to my family. cheers to love. cheers to the divine blessings paving the way for me to create. cheers to creation. cheers to you.
ps. these are some of my favorite moments from space: