so… “its complicated.” second movie i’ve seen in a row about infidelity. yesterday it was painted with music, feather boas, and italian charm. tonight it was portrayed with belly laughs, alcohol, and old people. both had happy endings. really? is that how it’s always supposed to go? life’s not one hundred and fifteen minutes. it doesn’t have montages and perfect makeup. i don’t quite understand how cheating can be so popular. and how excepted it is in hollywood and our homes.
i dont know about you, but i think it hurts. it still hurts. its been six years since my heart was first broken. the kind of broken that feels life threatening. its been mended with band-aids and new love along the way but it never fully healed. how can it? if hearts actually heal then that sharp pain wouldn’t come back. it wouldn’t come back when we hear their first name. it wouldn’t come back when we smell them in someone else. it wouldn’t come back when we’re sleeping and our subconscious reminds us and wakes us. it wouldn’t come back when we just think about it for a split second.
so what’s with all the fun and games about it? why make it so entertaining? i get that its “real life.” and that’s what movies are for— pretty ways of tantalizing our imaginations for a couple hours—but ouch.
our tolerance for dishonesty is gross.
our understanding and awe for the heartbreaking protagonist is grosser.
(can’t seem to ever not listen to this song once every day.)
I used to walk along the opposite side of the road and made others get out of my way I used to think I could sit and wait for the times but they wont come until I meet them halfway I’m halfway home and I’m on my own I’m halfway there and I don’t care, I don’t mind I plan to leave here after supper time that’s when traffic is light, all I need is a sign and I’ll be alright. I’ll be fine I used to think that i could just sleep and then I’d dream And everything it would come to me Until I woke one day without anything to eat Lying on the opposite side of the street I’m halfway home and I’m still out on my own I’m halfway there and I don’t care, I don’t mind Because it ain’t my time to stay or say I’ll never lay down. I used to think that I could just sit and wait for the time But I know I gotta meet them halfway I’m halfway home I tried home running with the flow I’m halfway there. Ain’t it funny how everybody seems to care I planned to get there around supper time their serving up bread and wine All I needed was a sign and I’ll be allright. I’ll be fine. It seems to be a running theme about being fine and allright but I don’t mind.
“she’s got a light around her, and everywhere she goes a million dreams of love surround her”—so i have this friend that shines. not like a diamond, or a star, or a bright light. but she shines like a smile, and a laugh, and a fresh out the oven cookie, and a snowflake on your tongue, and a hug from your mom, and a sunburn, and a kiss you were waiting for, and putting on a brand new pair of socks, and finishing a life-changing book, and a bubble bath, and a hot cup of tea, and a christmas morning, and landing in your hometown, and your favorite song. she shines like the best moments in your life. im so lucky to know her. and love her. and watch her do this thing she does so flawlessly, shine.
My "Lets-Hope-2010-Is-So-Much-Fucking-Better-Than-2009" MIX
1. “Watching The Wheels” By: John Lennon 2. “Respect” By: Aretha Franklin 3. “Woods” By: Bon Iver 4. “Jackson” By: Johnny Cash 5. “Watching The World Go By” By: Dean Martin 6. “Parting Gift” By: Fiona Apple 7. “My Little Corner Of The World” By: Yo La Tengo 8. “Heaven” By: Brett Dennen 9. “Gypsy” By: Suzanna Vega 10. “Out Of The Blue” By: Julian Casablancas 11. “I Feel It All” By: Feist 12. “Favorite Things” By: Beth Hart 13. “White Demon Love Song” By: The Killers 14. “Everywhere I Go” By: Lissie 15. “Time Flies” By: Lykke Li 16. “A Long December” By: The Counting Crows 17. “Flightless Bird, American Mouth” By: Iron & Wine 18. “Give Me Love” By: George Harrison
sometimes i truly wonder if the hoops i’ve jumped through and the fires i’ve escaped and the battles i’ve fought and the mountains i’ve climbed have had any reasoning. could there be this gigantic master plan? am i just hitting marks already outlined? or am i just winging it? experiencing yet another experience just because? just to narrate my life for no other purpose then to fill my story? fill my days? and to later entertain my grandchildren? then i have a night like tonight and i believe in a divine connection between people. my experience is to help your experience help someone elses experience. so on and so forth. i certainly didnt anticipate coming to this realization so soon. the dust hasn’t even settled. the ink is hardly dry. and i just gained the understanding of one year eight months and twenty-eight days in one night. for this i am grateful. for this i get to lay my head on the pillow tonight with ease. my brow just lost weight. my heart just paced perfectly. my wound just grew a stitch and my conscience just surrendered.
freedom of speech is the freedom to speak without censorship and/or limitation. the synonymous term freedom of expression is sometimes used to indicate not only freedom of verbal speech but any act of seeking, receiving and imparting information or ideas, regardless of the medium used. the right to freedom of speech is “the right to hold opinions without interference. everyone shall have the right to freedom of expression.”
sometimes when you can’t believe what someone said about you, you have to remember, they had every right to do so. however harmful, misleading, unfair, or unexpected. especially in art. in music. i am also guilty of this said crime. i not only use my experiences to write songs, i also use other’s as well— and i have the right to, just as much as every other single human being. as fucked as it may seem. its a called freedom and its actually beautiful. i also have the freedom to react however i choose to. i have to freedom to be inspired instead of burned. liberated instead of frozen. stronger instead of crushed. i have the freedom to forgive. the only moment that matters, anyway, is right now. and right now i love you.
i am in constant disbelief that everytime i think i know whats best for me, everytime i get frustrated, impatient, depressed, doubtful, scared or unsure, everytime i want to control the situation, everytime i want answers now, everytime i almost throw it all way, i give up and it happens. is appears. it unfolds. it comes right to me and says “hey! here i am. take this path. follow my lead. do this thing. here’s the answer why. here’s the reason. have fun. your welcome.”
someone recently said to me, “christina, you need to move out of philadelphia.” and i said, “but i did— two and a half years ago.” and they said, “no, you didn’t.”
i didnt understand this until today. i’ve been home for eleven days and nothing is like it used to be. not good or bad. just different. the fantasizing and romanticizing i’ve been doing from three thousands miles away was all in my imagination. its sooo nice to come home and be surrounded by everyone you love and loved and lived with for twenty-one years, but there comes a moment when the ball drops. everyone got older, busier, different. the shoe falls. reality sneaks in and there you are standing alone in the present in the past. the past that now looks, feels, smells, and lives nothing like you remember. you can be dumbfounded, scared, and disappointed or you can be brave, confident, let go and move out.