so, im sitting on my hotel bed in the middle of a little town outside of london having a really nice cry. im not sure why im crying. im not in pain, nothing is terrible or tragic, and i can honestly say im the happiest version of myself ive ever known… but here i am, on the night of my career’s three year anniversary, alone, crying.
a lot has happened to me in that time. most of you know my cinderella story of going from waitress to recording artist over night, and most days i don’t even think about it anymore. i just show up, work, do, live, look forward, grow and learn like everybody else… but somedays it all kind of hits me in a way that knocks the wind out of my chest, fills my heart with angst and brings me to tears. they’ve been three years filled with extreme highs i could not have ever even fathomed, and extreme lows that i never thought id crawl out of. and then a whole lot of good, bad, scary, and unique that happened inbetween. but apparently, thats just life. whatever way you look at it, turn it, and perceive it… it ebbs and flows, grows and breaks, shines and dulls on and on and on…
i think my cry tonight is out of gratitude, but i also think i miss my family and friends. i’ve been in london for a couple weeks now making, creating and recording something i look very forward to sharing with you, but im alone a lot. im in a lot of hotels, airplanes, cars, taxis, trains, offices, and studios looking out the window missing home. but the catch is, i wouldn’t want to be anywhere else, or doing anything else. i spent all my life trying to find this version of me and for the chance to do what i love, so now im here and with anything great, comes the hard bits. a night like tonight is a hard bit. i wish i could be sitting with keltie at the 101 cafe talking about love. i wish i could be with my mom + dad in ocean city eating water ice on the board walk. i wish i could be at my grandmothers kitchen table drinking tea and making her laugh. i wish i was holding my boyfriends hand. i wish i was dancing to disco music with my brother in matching adidas track suits. i wish i was playing with pistachio in my back yard. i wish i could be all those places at once… yet all those people are happy im here in london following my dream. i decided when your dream comes true you don’t have to stop following it… actually its more important that you keep going, keep dreaming it to keep it alive, and thats what im doing. i wrote 40 new songs and 15 of them are going to fit together to tell you a story i really need to tell you. im going to come to your hometowns, and sing and play them for you. i need this ache tonight. i need the desire to make my family proud. i need the gratitude for every ounce of love and support i’ve received from you and i need to mix it all together, swallow it up, and put it into my music. so for that, i couldn’t do this without you. i am grateful for you.
you know that “heart-bursty-is-this-real-life?” feeling you get sometimes? well i have it right now. i have it so bad its streaming down my face. huge little light bursts in my soul for the life i find myself living, the people in my heart, life and career who work very hard to help me and the millions of people who believe in me. its all very big, much bigger than me, so nights like tonight i feel overwhelmed.
an anniversary is an opportunity to remember what is was like, what happened, and what it’s like now. and for that, i deem these tears, tears of happiness.
“Leaving is not enough. You must stay gone. Train your heart like a dog. Change the locks even on the house he’s never visited. You lucky, lucky girl. You have an apartment just your size. A bathtub full of tea. A heart the size of Arizona, but not nearly so arid. Don’t wish away your cracked…
its that time of year again. that magical time. the time when everything seems okay. nothing may really be okay in your family, your heart, or in the world right now, but at christmas, chanukah, and new years, there seems to be a sense of relief, even for an instant. an emotional reprieve, a pause in the crazy. love and light overflow the dark corners of your heart. you are forced to be joyous, eat lots of food, sing songs, give gifts, mends relationships, and make wishes for a whole new year. i believe december is one of humanity’s greatest gifts. there are some people with nothing, and some people with much, but this time of year is about HOPE and LOVE. and those two things are free.
i hope with my whole heart that you can find peace and love and hope and invite it into your hearts and lives. i hope that you begin believing in yourself. i hope happiness finds you more this upcoming year than pain. i hope you learn to love others more than needing to be loved. i hope that the deepest little dream of yours comes forward and demands to be real. i hope that courage overwhelms you like an ocean. i hope that kindness comes to your lips first. i hope that forgiveness if not far from your heart. i hope that you can remember where you came from. i hope that every time you fall, you stand again. i hope that if you say “no” you mean it. i hope that if you say “yes” you mean that too. i hope that you finally tell that person how you feel. i hope that you let go of the one that hurts. i hope that you look in mirror and see how beautiful you are. i hope you realize no one is perfect. i hope you stay teachable. i hope you stay bright even when it’s dark. i hope you inspire. i hope you create. i hope you always move forward. i hope you remember the only thing that’s real is: right now. and right now, everything is okay.
tonight i will be writing my famous letter to the universe. this will be the 4th year in a row where i write down all my wishes for the upcoming year. call it “the secret” or “a dream” or “a wish” or “a letter” or “a manifestation list” or “a prayer” whatever you want to call it, i sit down on december 26th and make a list of intentions. intentions for my life, heart, mind, and career. all of it. i dream HUGE and very small. i am specific where i need to be, and general where i can be. i am humble, yet ambitious. i believe by writing this letter i am making a promise to the heavens to try, and an even bigger promise to myself to work hard. remember, nothing ever comes to the man who doesn’t work hard and NOTHING is easy, well, nothing good. so get yourself ready, if you dream it, it will come :)
dream big, never give up, and i’ll see you there. love, light + jingle bells,
someone wonderful just told me that when a man goes to the moon he can not come right back to earth. there is a period of time between there and here where he must stop and decompress, re-acclimate, be medically tested and approved physically and mentally before he comes home.
this makes a lot of sense and has helped with my first week back on what feels like, earth. for 27 months i have been on the moon. don’t get me wrong, the moon is the coolest and most incredible place to be, but since returning, all i could do was walk in my house and collapse.
my brain is saying: “what just happened?” “did i really just play 200 shows?” “did i really just tour with one of my heros and sing with him every night?” “did i really just live with 12 people on a bus?” “did i really sign a record deal?” “did i really make an album?” “did i record a christmas ep somewhere in there too?” “did i get to see my family?” “did i really just play the hollywood bowl?” “did a little song i wrote really heal the hearts of many?” “are people choosing another song i wrote for their wedding song?” “did i really get the scariest vocal cord surgery on the planet, recover in 6 weeks and learn to sing again?” “did i really get to sing songs all over whole world?” “wasn’t i a waitress a minute ago?” “do people really believe in me?” “how do i get to do this for a living?” “did i feel anything?” “was i really there?” “did i really experience it?” “will my grandchildren ever believe me?” “is this actually all a dream?”
my brain is right to question… and it’s all okay because my heart knows the answers. what i think is happening to me is called “shock.” im pretty sure i’ve been in state of shock since 8pm on june 30th 2010. i think i have never stopped being shocked, because i don’t know how to process all the amazing i have walked into. all the epic i have swam in. all the unreal i have tasted, and all the unbelievable i am being expected to believe.
but… what do i do now? album two. i know… and then i’ll be right back up to the moon, but i have to stop and breathe. i have to try to believe. i have to feel something. i have to stop the train and ask the conductor where we are going. i have to let the magic come find me again, i can not go looking for it. i can not ask it to show up at 6pm next tuesday. it doesn’t happen that way, and it never will, and it never has for me. i look up. i open up. i breathe in. i hope. and i believe. that’s when it comes. whatever “it” is. it comes through me.
so don’t worry, that’s my plan. i just have to be okay today with not being okay today. i am uncomfortable. i forget how to make tea. i miss my bunk. i want to hide under my covers for the next 8 weeks… and i just might… i need to take care of me, whoever me is today… i need to hang out with her and find out, so i can be her for you.
cheers to the completion of the best first trip to the moon and back. cheers to the accomplishments, challenges, music, moments, tears, defeats, successes, and songs. cheers to every single human on my team, band, crew, and family. cheers to the hard work and love that surrounded me constantly. cheers to all the hearts who have connected to mine. cheers to all the people in the world who have shown up for me and my band and my music. cheers to whats ahead. cheers to genius song fairies. cheers to the music sitting in my iphone voice memos. cheers to my label and believers. cheers to my managers and heart beats. cheers to album two and everything that’s coming. cheers to my family. cheers to love. cheers to the divine blessings paving the way for me to create. cheers to creation. cheers to you.
ps. these are some of my favorite moments from space:
wow! hi everyone… the word of the year for me is: TOURING! i am so unbelievably honored to come to your home towns with my beloved band and play my show for you. i hope one day to have gone absolutely everywhere… so im trying… one city at a time. from the biggest to the littlest, you are all important to me. i lay in bed each night and think about how special i feel that you would come and spend your time with me. you buy tickets, and get babysitters, and buy merch and shine so bright for me every night. my band and i are endlessly grateful for your support. every show, every word you sing, and every ounce of love you share. we love you back.
the second of my five tours this year is about to come to an end… and i can’t believe the memories i already get to hold in my heart … i have 63 more shows to play and cities to see… each place so far as been such a treat to spend time in… from your most humble coffee shops, to your beautiful evergreen trees, to the smiles on your faces, nothing will be forgotten.
i remember a time in my life when i was terrified to play in front of people. i absolutely wouldn’t. i wouldn’t even tell my closest friends when i was performing at an open mic night. i would lay in my bed and dream of everything im doing now, but i couldn’t concur my fear. i couldn’t get myself to BE myself. i was suffocating under whatever i thought it was going to be like. i was so wrong. of course its scary— but damn, the best things are! some days my stomach sits in my throat all day and i can hardly move. some days i mess up the parts. some days i wake up with a huge pimple for everyone to see. some days i feel painfully lonely. some days i think everything i have is rubbish. some days i miss my family so much i can’t breathe. of course some days its hard. i don’t know any great accomplished person in my life who would say it isn’t hard and it isn’t scary… so that’s what keeps me going. i push right through that fear… i push it out of the way and say, “NO! THIS IS MY LIFE. IM GONNA LIVE IT. IM GONNA DREAM HUGE. IM GONNA WATCH THOSE DREAMS COME TRUE” i have realized in my two short years as a professional musician… that i am on the only person standing in my way.
im certainly not perfect and i certainly don’t remember this everyday… but the days i do? oh boy… this is what happens when i. let. go….
thank you to each of you for enlightening my life. and special thanks to my fans, chris broussard, charis kircheimer, and ryan pavlov for the beautiful photos.
most of you know my story by now… the magical one about the lists to the universe, and every single thing i’ve ever dreamed of so far in my life coming true!! you know, that little story?! gaaaah! it still doesn’t seem real, most days. especially recently. i am sitting on the beach in hawaii with my dad basking in the reality of this moment… what? 2 years ago i was a waitress off for the holidays sitting in my parents home wondering where i went wrong and who i was supposed to be… i had no money, no man, and no plan… but something told me i was going to be ok… call it faith? call it stupidity? call it luck? call it dreaming?… whatever you want to call it, i b e l i e v e d i was going to be ok… whatever that meant or looked like.
on new years eve 2009 me + my best friend keltie made a list to the universe and i asked for 6 things: 1. quit smoking 2. book 3 shows 3. start a savings account with 25 bucks a week 4. meet jason mraz 5. sign a record deal 6. bask in keltie’s magic motivational sun beams.
they all came true.
all of a sudden i realized something was happening… something bigger than me. something epic. so i kept dreaming… and dreaming… and doing… and manifesting… and affirming… and dreaming… and believing… and trusting… and learning… and dreaming… and falling…. and trying… and working… and living… and loving and loving and loving…. and dreaming…. and dreaming… and dreaming… and it was the best year ever. including all the ups + downs + tears + laughs… all of it was perfect.
so new years eve 2010 came around and i made another list: 1. quit eating gluten. 2. meditate for 5-10 minutes once a day. (no matter what) 3. send my mother love every day. (phone, text, email, cards) 4. laser hair removal. 5. completely fix my ankle. 6. BE ON THE BREAKING DAWN SOUNDTRACK! (yes, this was in all caps) 7. begin a charity. 8. have a hit record. 9. buy an asset. 10. learn the drums. 11. send keltie motivational moon beams. 12. send love + light to every human being i meet.
all these things came true too.
i don’t know what this all means, friends, i don’t know if i’ve tapped into a magic universe loop hole and what i keep dreaming just comes true no matter what… or if just believing in myself makes them come true, or if im just working my ass off to make it happen, or if im just blessed. i think it’s all of the above.
so, if you believe in this stuff or not, its my truth + i am sharing it with you to hopefully inspire you to want more for yourself, your life and your dreams.
anything and everything is possible… i promise. i just made my list for 2012 … did you?
i’ve learned so much this year, so fast, that my head has been left spinning. i found strength in all my nooks and grew strength where there wasn’t any living. i asked myself to grow publicly and not break easily. i didn’t break. i leaned on so many soft shoulders and i cried into so many cold mornings. i was loved, largely and i was left quietly. i created a child i call “lovestrong.” i saw the world. i lived in airplanes. i saw the faces of those i need, glow. i grew grey hair and i learned to let go. i fought with my ability. i watched the ones i love watch me lose my speech. i said yes to everything, but had to cancel many promises. i asked for it to be easy. nothing’s ever easy. i had a heart warming ride of melodies. i learned how to play my music in front of seas of sweet people wanting to be freed. i thought i would die. i survived. 2011 was indescribable. it was almost impossible. it fought against statistics and it tested limits. it broke what was already broken and it healed more then i asked for. 16 days left of a year that i’ll never forget. 2011 for me was a deal breaker and trend setter. it took everything from me and gave it back and then took it again and then gave it back, took it all one more time, swore it had won, but surrendered and brought it down to the ground where i laid waving a white flower. i have felt loss and light… sometimes at the same time. i broke my lessons open and looked inside. i loved and i laughed the whole time. i prayed and found a love affair with the devine. i wasted my love and my lips and all my romance on a man who didn’t want this. i found out who my true friends would be. i found true friends waiting to help me. i became known by the ever changing radio. they said yes even after they said no. i repaired my falling heart. i fixed my limp. i learned how to sing after removing the block on my vocal fold. i unblocked the shakras turning me to stone. i asked and i received every single thing i dreamed. i am so lucky. i am so lucky. i lived out my fantasies. i swam, and will keep swimming. this year made me l i v e. bring on next years possibilities… i’m ready to begin again.
i never read “you-tube” comments… but i did… and this one(above) wins…
thank you, Ambziie, for reminding me that my favorite fictional characters that i wrote a very real love song for a very real movie about don’t actually exist. thank you… i forgot…
i guess you were all expecting this… because (duh) im super excited… cause i couldn’t not write a blog about this…but the problem is, im jumping the gun… i still haven’t gone on my promo in a private plane with the cast, and i still haven’t gone to the official hollywood premiere… so there is still honest blogging to be had… but i had to at least check in and let you know that im still as geeky, and twi-hardy crazy about this whole thing so far… i keep getting overwhelmed, crazy excited, sweaty, and nervous about the whole thing.
i may have written this song, and i may have made an epic music video with the clips from the movie that made me squeal like a child when i saw it, but i promise you im just a twi-hardy as you about the whole thing… i promise to not get hollywoody about it… i promise to be to grateful and dreamy about the whole process and keep you up to date…
thank you for your endless love + support. love, (twi-hardy) cp xo
i am so grateful for my amazing family and team who plan everything for me. they plan around my weaknesses and my strengths, and help me do everything i need to do. im so grateful they have patience with me and love me more than i know sometimes. im so grateful for everyone doing their best. im so grateful for trusting my gut and getting the scariest surgery ever, but believing i would be better than ever when i healed. im so grateful for 6 weeks later being back on the job and singing for first time with my new vocal chords today on the biggest daytime tv show in london:
im so grateful that i worked so hard to be able to sing again with a whole other team and we did it. im so grateful that i get to talk about twilight as my job. im so grateful i dreamt big enough to have that dream come true. im so grateful for the topshop in london that is 4 stories of epic amazingness and for getting my mind blown and a new fall wardrobe. im so grateful for joey rubino, period… and for having dinner with his darling sister. im so grateful for jogging tonight right past royal albert hall and dreaming of playing there one day. im so grateful that i get to do this. im so grateful for everyone who believes in me and my little love songs.
and tonight im most grateful for my man, johnandersson, who i left at home. i couldn’t love or miss him more. we sacrificed sharing the stage together to share true love instead. tomorrow will be our official one year anniversary of being best friend soul mate penguins. i am so grateful to him for riding my crazy emotional love roller coaster, and loving me unconditionally, anyway.
and lastly tonight, as i lay my head on the pillow, i will finish my gratitude list… with… you.
I know you probably won't be able to see this due to the outrageous number of messages you probably get, but I need to ask you a question. There's this guy I like. His sister is a good friend of my sister. We're in the same grade, this guy and me. I really like him, but if I tell him, I know for sure that my sister will tell his sister who will tell the guy. Should I risk the fact that my crush will know I like him or not? Thanks!
never not tell the truth. how could you + your crush ever be together if you dont put it out into the universe!! maybe he likes you too + hes too shy. it could be the beginning of the rest of your lives together… or a kiss :) do it!!!!
so the winds they are a-blowin… + ive made some changes to some things in the cp world!
1. is i got vocal chord surgery finally + i’m all fixed!! i can’t wait to sing for you—- for ever!! and ever!!!
2. we bid farewell to john andersson today from my band… but not from the spotlight. with his incredible talent i’m certain you’ll all be seeing + hearing way more of him as he jumps back out into the music world. let’s wish him the all the happiness + success a music man could ever want! though we will all miss him, we’re so grateful for every show and every note he graced us with!!
3. i’d like to introduce my new band member: johnny hanson. he’s wonderful and talented and i just know you’re all going to love him! i seriously have not stopped listening to his album… he’s like thom yorke meets richard swift meets jimmy gnecco meets paul mccartney :) i can’t wait to play with him!! please give him a warm + loving welcome!!!
this is the best advise my best friend has ever given me. i know it’s personal, but it’s too amazing not to share. hope this helps you as much as it helped me. love, cp
"first of all, no one has to have it all figured out at 25. I remember being 25 and thinking I knew all the answers, that way i thought I knew them all at 15. Here I am about to turn thirty and still don’t know them, but to me and as an outsider, I don’t think the issue with your relationship is that you don’t love each other or want to be together, I think that you guys struggle existing in an ever changing relationship. To me is seems like you guys are either 100% perfect, in love, can’t be happier, on a beach, at home, on tour whatever, or you are convinced it is over and you won’t ever let him back in your life. Very high highs, and very low lows.
I think you need to be a little easier on yourself and instead of trying to live in a constant perfection love, just accept that sometimes things are gonna suck, there are gonna be things he says and does, and things you say and do that really bug each other, but that you have to communicate with each other about what you need, while you are in the relationship. Every time you feel frustrated or unhappy shouldn’t mean you have to break-up and get back together the next week.
You have so much going on, and an on again off again roller coaster isn’t good for either of you. I honestly think this isn’t about love at all, it’s about communicating (oh my GOD, I am so old, I sound like my mom) It’s apparent to me that you really love each other but you live inside this weird work, play, love, world where even the small things feel like bombs.
If you are happy I am happy, and relationships are all sticky but if your guts feels like he 100% belongs in your heart, then you have to fight everyday to make it work.”
- keltie colleen …saving relationships all over the planet (follow her on twitter @keltiecolleen)
two years ago i made a bucket list with my best friend full of all the things i could possibly dream of. keltie + i deemed 2010 “the 10” and it was going to be the best year of our lives.
fast forward to july 2010… every single thing on my list came true (ie. quit smoking, sign a record deal, open a savings account, meet jason mraz.. etc..) seriously. it was epic + it all happened.
so this past year keltie + i decided to do it again + this time were were going to dream even bigger! the number one thing on my list this year was: ”HAVE A SONG ON THE BREAKING DAWN SOUNDTRACK” and it happened!!!!!! ahhhh!!!!! + the whole soundtrack seems amazing! im soo honored to be smack in the middle of all those artists! i am so grateful for this opportunity!
"a thousand years" is a brand new song me + my best friend david hodges wrote for bella + edward. we wrote it after we so luckily screened the movie (ahhhh! you’re all going to flip out its the best movie ever!!!)
i couldn’t be more proud of this song. or more proud of myself for not giving up on my dream.
the moral of this story is: everything is possible! manifest your dreams! never ever ever give up! dream HUGE!
special thanks to: alexandra patsavas, chop shop + atlantic records xo
my little cousin joey perri + children like him could really use your help, if you can!! we’ve made a rad cookbook to help with joey + my family + other medically fragile children. its only 10 dollars!!! please check out: www.joyofjoey.net for details.
thank you so so much!!